Weight Limits

Hang in there. Stand strong. Weather the storm. It's always to soon to quit. Put your big girl panties on. Grow the f*** up and deal with it. Suck it up.

We've heard them, we live them..."stand strong" catch phrases. Without epiphany or personal revelation they can be as crushing as an avalanche though. You can't draw strength from thin air..or fat air for that matter. The only source of transmittable strength that I can fathom is love, but it is in such short supply today. Everyone wants to be heard, but almost no one wants to do the work to be felt. How many of us feel alone, isolated, abandoned, mistrusting, and now like it that way.

This is not the way it's suppose to be people. This isn't life...it's more related to living death. Everyone wants to be heard and influence, but you have to pay the price for that kind of trust...with your ears. Listen and open your mind to what that person is sincerely saying and feeling. Until each of us stops believing we know it all, we will never have the kind of trust love can breed in.

Any hack and shove their opinion down someone's throat. It takes maturity and class to be slow to speak, and it never goes unappreciated. 

Midterm Maddness

To tell you the truth, this week didn't get as crazy as it should have...yet! I'm getting nervous by the clam.


Do you have a lot of chaos around you? I do, in some ways, and I'm more comfortable with it now that having order. I'm not doing as well in my classes as I want to...but I'm not in the fetal position crying in my closet either ;-) Really I should count my blessings I suppose.

I can't shake this sense of change... Like the first smell of summer, or the view of leaves changing one day to the next. It's apparent a new season is blowing in (in case you didn't catch it...speaking figuratively). Trouble is, I can't interpret if this is a season to dread or celebrate. I can't see what I am facing...I hate that feeling. My instincts say it's a Spring...an awakening. Let's hope so!

And The Clock Is Ticking

My next test is in t-1 day, 22 hours 49 minutes.... and I am not ready!

I can't even say my mind is all over the place...because its NOT in school! Johnny Cash is singing a song to me on Pandora right now...a song I somehow have never heard, "Matthew 24 (is knocking at the door)". I turned the music on to help me calm down, and maybe even focus...what does it do instead??? It's got me thinking about end times problems...that's it! I'm switching to Matisyahu *changing stations*...Ahhh how about that now Matisyahu is singing "what I'm fighting for", ok well I give up ;-)

I don't live for the music...just like I don't live for the money. I do, however use the beautiful things to ease my mind during the day. Music is one of those beautiful things I can use...when it cooperates! Do you have those days full of anxiety, like when you can't even see what is causing it clearly? It's ironic how it happens like this...I am probably anxious about having this test coming up soon...but the anxiety kills my focus dead! The time to give up is not now though! I pushed 3 babies out of my body...I certainly can push through this!

I don't believe in giving up...maybe not even when you have a great excuse! So blog, so long for now...you served me well today but I have work to do!

Raise a cake...to my MOM

Yesterday was my mother's birthday...so I promised to commemorate the occasion in blog lol!

Let me start by saying, I am a big jerk. I don't know why, or how I got that way but I am. My mom has put up with my jerkiness my whole life. You know how everyone usually dreads the day they become their parents? I can't wait for that day to come! I wish I could be half the mother my mother was/is.

If you know me in real life you have, or will eventually, hear me talking about my dark-place... I'm not crazy evil or something...just dark. Unfortunately it's usually mom who has to go find me, when I run away to my dark place. I am a nightmare to reconcile...that's no joke. She takes the lumps though, and carries me all the way out...then takes me out for lunch or a smoothie <3

Thank you mom, for always finding me...I love you! 

Here is a list of my favorite things about my mom:

She never throws mistakes in my face (all 47 million of them)
She always buys me clothes I would never buy for myself, but then I end up loving
She spoils my girls, and my Joe
To say she is passionate is an understatement!
She giggles at me, when most people resort to yelling
If you are ever in need of being adopted, she will do so...no questions asked
She makes me better
AND MANY MORE THINGS!

Maybe we should all pretend it's Mother's Day and call our moms to show some love :-)

All That You Want

I can have it all...

    Maybe just not all at the same time. What gives you the strength to get up in the morning? What makes you fight, cry, and sacrifice it all? Naturally I should say my children...but then what do I tell my children they should fight for? 

     I want the house, the sweet car, and the crazy great income...but what is all that once I die? How many other people have achieved as much? Hundreds of millions surely. I want to leave the world a better place than I found it. The environment is important...but a starving child (or adult even) is more important. I want to teach my children what it means to live, and love life. 

    This may or may not come as a surprise to you, my dear reader...but I spent most of my life wishing I was dead. I only had a dream...no vision. I knew what I wanted to become, but had no practical way to get there. I am fighting now...not just hoping and dreaming...but fighting. For me, that's what it takes. I seem to have been born to fight. I lost that somewhere along the way, but I think I am finding it now...the fight! I want to live, and I want to teach my children to live...death is too easy. To die, before you have even loved enough to have lossed...no freaking way!

The Stress Test: Poll Results

Last week I made a poll asking you to tell me how you handle stress. The results are in, and as follows...

4 votes for Eating Chocolate  3 votes for Yelling at Someone Nearby  1 vote for Getting Drunk  4 votes for Going to Be Alone Somewhere.

Obviously some of us handle stress by self medication, or verbal tension release. I have used each of these vices at one point or another...or together...to cope with whatever was going on around me. My newest mechanism was the "go be alone" thing...I never cared to be alone in my life! Until I became a mother that is. From the pregnancy I began my journey to hermitville...population: me! I thought it was a good thing because I had never been able to be alone before, and it probably was good for a while. The problem with hermitville is that you learn how to rely on yourself, to the degree that you don't need anyone else.

I am pretty much designed to need and be needed, but I am not used to it anymore or something. Which led to more stress LOL.... and even depression :(.  But now here I am, being all self-helpy and finding my way back into balance! Yeah I'm a rockstar ROFL...just kidding! I have prayed a lot for peace, balance, unity in my environment...and I think my prayers are being systematically answered right now. It seems to have started when little Con got sick. Crazy, that was one of the more difficult times of my life...and it kick-started one of the most healing seasons for me. Amazing!

Stress is a really big deal, and apparently bad for your health, and something I deal with a lot. I asked my [small] number of readers so we can all know where we stand on the issue. I did some research and here are the most fun facts about stress for your reading pleasure:

1. More than half of all deaths between the ages of 1 and 65 result from stressful lifestyles.- U.S. Center for Disease Control
2. Research shows that regular workouts lift depression, banish stress and sharpen the mind. - American Health Magazine
3. Annually, over $800 million dollars are spent on "anti-anxiety pills". The U.S. accounts for 5% of the world's population and consumes 33% of the pills.-Neurogen
4. More people visit doctors for anxiety than for colds, and anxiety is now more common than depression. Anxiety is a predisposing factor to major depression and to suicide attempts. All of these facts came from http://www.stressless.com

This Weeks Poll Question is in 2 Parts: 1.)Who manages the $money$ in your house? 2.) How well does the money get managed?

It Happened

The most embarrassing moment of my life...

     Today was going to be hard, but I had no idea it was going to be the kind of day I would remember for the rest of my life! People can usually tell you there most embarrassing moment(s), until today I never had that memory. So what happened?...
  
     I had my first test today, in my most important class of my college career, Non-Profit Accounting. Along with the test I had a portion of the semester's big project and a take home quiz problem due. I worked for 5 days, which honestly wasn't enough, and didn't finish either of the homeworks. So I went to class and took my test...well half of my test because I didn't make time to really study during the homework trouble. So I handed in my test and was asked to hang around for a minute by my teacher. I will take this opportunity to say that this particular teacher is amazing, and I have never had a better experience with a member of the school faculty before her.

    So I waited until the last few students had made their way out so the real conversation could take place. My Professor took the time to encourage me, and help me figure out a plan to make better progress in my education and career. The first embarrassing part was that from the first word out of her mouth...I started crying. I could not stop, not for a second....I just stood there and cried like a baby while she talked. She handled it so well, but I felt so bad.

     The worst part came after our talk though...I walked out of class into a hallway crowded with students who i know (for the most part). It was like the naked dream. My face shows every twinge of emotion...let alone 10 minutes of crying, swelling, and red face. I probably had to look like that to at least 45 students...who by the way were waiting to get into the classroom. I walked steady but as quickly as I could to the bathroom, and waited there until I was sure most people would be in class. I know it must have happened fast, but to me it felt like slow motion! My issues made another class start late. I can't believe today even happened. I have never felt so humiliated in my life!

    I am grateful though, because having a teacher who cares and takes time out for you is priceless!

Keep Your Friends Close

We all have those friends...

     The ones who might as well have a huge X on their face. The ones who can't see any need besides their own, or any understanding of the world beyond their daily perception.

     Then there are those who you know you couldn't get through this world without. They aren't "friends"...not really...they are family. They show up when things are ugly, and enjoy with you the pretty times. They are worth the fight, the time, and any/all energy even when even your hair and teeth are tired.

     When my little Connie was in the hospital I discovered the depth of need. I had forgotten what it was like to need someone, or be surprised by the love someone gives you. I had felt alone, or isolated for a little while...then an amazing thing happened, my friends reached out. My friends came to visit us in the hospital, and asked how we were doing through text and email. I wasn't alone...

     Before that week, I had determined to cut off all unnecessary interaction. Bathe myself in my studies, and let go of any standing appointments with even close friends. After we brought Connie home (and after the insane storm), I took some time to put our schedule and routine back together. I am still not 100% back in  the swing of things, but I remember the place of friends. I will never again push human relationships to the side for an activity. I still have to be careful, and protect my homework time...but I am making or finding time for the important people in my life also.

     So this is my lecture...don't neglect your people, because they are all you have when the storms of life come. Faithful and loyal family (friends) are so hard to come by these days...I am going to take care of the ones I have. 

All Things New

Why I can't give up...

   I keep thinking back to particularly beautiful day we spent exploring Jerusalem. The weather was cool enough that we weren't all sweaty from spending the day afoot, and the air was so fresh and crisp. That was a great day.  I miss that day sometimes...mostly because I didn't know there really were days like that. I miss Israel, if you have never been there, you are missing a piece of your soul. Have you ever been somewhere or done something that felt absolutely right? Israel is my somewhere and helping people is my something.

   I have done a lot of giving in my life, my time, money, efforts, shoulder for crying, cars, good advice, bad advice...you name it I have given it. I didn't feel like I was making any impact in my world though, that is until I went back to school. I seemed to have chosen one of the most difficult and misunderstood professions out there. Accounting. In college every time you meet someone you will be asked that loaded gun of a question, "what's your major." I love to answer it and watch as the person cringes. Sometimes I like to play a game in my head and take a tally of the facial expressions. There is the lemon-face, the slight-vomit face, and my personal favorite the "I feel sorry for you" eyebrows.

   I even used to think accountant were the most boring, lame, -and for some reason- ugly people in the business world. That is mostly crap, and there are some crazy-beautiful people in all of my classes. I have chosen to pursue non-profit accounting as my specialty, and honestly it has to be my calling in life.

   I don't think I can have peace until I live in Israel and work with some organizations and churches who help people. I need to do something I love...soon. If you don't get to do what you feel like you were made to do, than your courage can begin to atrophy. I was made to help the people, who help people. I am better at it than anything else, and I love it more than I have loved any non-human thing. I have a sense for what needs to be done, and I feel alive while I take care of such things. Having a skill -like accounting- is no joke, especially so when someone isn't in it for the money.

Seasons Change

      It's surreal that you inevitably face a challenge to every standard you ever set for yourself. What is even more surreal, is that often you will go against your own set standards once they are called to court. I hate it. Paul the apostle said something that always makes me feel better, Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. That is me to a t right now.

      I love my life, and I hate my life. I do everything I do for my family, my girls....but my girls make it nearly impossible to do it. They need a mom, not a student, but an uneducated broke as a joke mom...can't take proper care of them. The first time I realized I wanted to buy them the world, the world selling authority wouldn't take my check. LOL! Most days I feel like I am still 16, instead of 26, and that I am invincible. I am not invincible though, no but the total opposite in fact.

     Once a friend asked me how I did it...how I went to school full time and had (then 2) children, I said I cried on Fridays ;-) he was appalled. It's how I got through the week though...by waiting til I got through the week, then cried on Friday. I am worried now, because I don't cry anymore. Maybe that just means I'm nearing the end of this educational road. 8 more classes to go, after this semester...that's it after all the brain blood, brain sweat, and brain tears...8 tiny 400 level classes...hmm

Can't sleep just now, and I'm not sure why. Everyone says I have been through a lot this week. It seem like I should feel more sorry for myself then (haha), but I don't feel much different than normal right now. I have gone back and forth between normal and emotional. What does freak me though is that maybe I am numb again and in a day or two I will cry a river. I really don't want to cry a river. I am home with two of my girls, and Joe is taking the night shift at the hospital again. It seems like I really should punish myself for this. Where it the "mom's guide to hospitalized child" book?

I think I am losing my edge...boo!

Sun Downers

Connie is in the hospital...in case you don't know Connie, she is my 4 year old child. She developed an infection in her lungs that caused them to freeze up. We came to the ER really early Sunday morning, and here I sit, 11:56pm on Monday. I know that it hasn't even really been a long time, but it feels like eternity. Mostly it has been hard to feel torn between the baby in the hospital and the babies at home. I am right where I need to be, I know that, but it hurts to leave two little scared girls behind. My husband is amazing, but he and I have to switch back and forth so one of us is always with Connie, and one of us is always with the other two.

Anyway I need to let some of the pressure in my head out, and I am watching Grey's Anatomy...I know, stupid right? Hospital dramas are just not appropriate when you are sitting in a hospital bed. Well I was using the time to catch up on some shows...because I am too tired to read...and that is the show I was watching before all of this.

 I just feel so lame because I know Connie is going to be fine. She is even so much better than Saturday...but she gets better and we think she can come home, then her oxygen saturation dips, and we are back to square one. I have slept a total of 8 hours since Saturday morning, so I think my new found emotions are exhaustion fueled. I have felt nice and numb this whole time, until now that is. Even when it is no where near as bad as some people have it, seeing your baby connected to tubes is heartbreaking. I looked at her a little while ago, and the dam burst. I cried, I just cried and hoped a nurse wouldn't find me like that. They didn't, and I put my face back together before they came in to check on her.

Well this is getting long...perhaps I will write again tomorrow. Until then...thank you for reading, it means a lot!

What's Your Name Again?

Weekly Highlight... Scariness:
Two professors in two different classes on the same day said to the class, "this is going to be the hardest class you have taken so far at NMSU, so find a good study group and come to my office if you ever need help." Besides having that slight twilight zoney feeling in the pit of my stomach, all I could really do was laugh. Study group...really? HA! I haven't mastered the study part yet...let alone find time for group! Along with that slight problem, I can't ever seem to remember what I need help with when I get to the professor's office. I feel like such an idiot, every time I get the nerve up to walk in there, all I can hear is the Darth Vader theme music...you know the one, goes something like "dum dum dum dumdedum dumdeummmm"...and so forth. After that I am blank man! I make some crap question on the spot, and leave feeling like I should just be the mouse in someones pocket lol! On a lighter note...my husband, Joe, rocks! He finished our little girls closet unit thing and we are one step closer to living like real people!

Deep Thoughts:
I find myself with more questions than answers tonight, as this second full week of school comes to a close. All my life all I really needed was to want something, and then go after it. I couldn't fail right? Everything is so different now...I want to do this (school, parenting, marriage, faith, and friends) right, but it's like the horse running after the carrot on the string...I never quite get there.

We use the word priority like it's a sure thing, as if we all know what they are and what order they should be in. Seriously? I tried following the "most important first" philosophy, but as it turns out, there is no clear most important. They all seem to have to do with each other. Naturally as a parent I say meeting the needs of my girls is #1...but that in tales being diligent to pray for them, being successful in school so we can provide for them...etc. There is no list of priorities...there is only a puzzle...perhaps some kind of rubrics cube.

Highlight of the day:
Watching my baby push her huge highchair all over the house by herself...super hilarious.

First Week of School

This blog is dedicated any mom or dad who feels like they can't go to school and get an education. It is hard for sure but not impossible, I am going to prove it!


Is it possible to be tired of homework before it even has bees assigned? Yes...pretty sure! You see, my homework is 24/7 and has been for nearly 6 years now. May 15, 2005 I became a mother. It wasn't until 2007 that I finally ended up in a college classroom. I was 23 (then mom of 2), in a room full of 18 year olds, feeling like I had "old fart" stamped on my forehead. The really stupid part is that I wasn't the oldest student in the room, not by a long shot. No one even seemed to notice I was any different than any other nervous freshman waiting to jot down every word the professor said. No matter the forgiving reality, I felt dumb, old, and icky. 


It has been almost 4 years since that day, and not much has changed ;-) I have met many more parent/students though...and that is always fun. The problem there is that since we all are so busy juggling family and school, there is no time for classmate friends ha ha! If I see a friend outside of class at least once in a semester I consider it victory! So why do I do it? Same reason as anyone else I think...I don't want to give my 3 precious girls a crap start in life. I don't mind having little by way of possessions, but my children deserve better than that right? They need things like food, shoes, and at least an occasional bath! It's up to me (and my husband Joe...who is also in school right now) to take care of such needs. 


Every day is eventful and entertaining...each week I will try to blog the highlights. When it all comes down to it, life is better when it's full :)