Can't sleep just now, and I'm not sure why. Everyone says I have been through a lot this week. It seem like I should feel more sorry for myself then (haha), but I don't feel much different than normal right now. I have gone back and forth between normal and emotional. What does freak me though is that maybe I am numb again and in a day or two I will cry a river. I really don't want to cry a river. I am home with two of my girls, and Joe is taking the night shift at the hospital again. It seems like I really should punish myself for this. Where it the "mom's guide to hospitalized child" book?
I think I am losing my edge...boo!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sun Downers
Connie is in the hospital...in case you don't know Connie, she is my 4 year old child. She developed an infection in her lungs that caused them to freeze up. We came to the ER really early Sunday morning, and here I sit, 11:56pm on Monday. I know that it hasn't even really been a long time, but it feels like eternity. Mostly it has been hard to feel torn between the baby in the hospital and the babies at home. I am right where I need to be, I know that, but it hurts to leave two little scared girls behind. My husband is amazing, but he and I have to switch back and forth so one of us is always with Connie, and one of us is always with the other two.
Anyway I need to let some of the pressure in my head out, and I am watching Grey's Anatomy...I know, stupid right? Hospital dramas are just not appropriate when you are sitting in a hospital bed. Well I was using the time to catch up on some shows...because I am too tired to read...and that is the show I was watching before all of this.
I just feel so lame because I know Connie is going to be fine. She is even so much better than Saturday...but she gets better and we think she can come home, then her oxygen saturation dips, and we are back to square one. I have slept a total of 8 hours since Saturday morning, so I think my new found emotions are exhaustion fueled. I have felt nice and numb this whole time, until now that is. Even when it is no where near as bad as some people have it, seeing your baby connected to tubes is heartbreaking. I looked at her a little while ago, and the dam burst. I cried, I just cried and hoped a nurse wouldn't find me like that. They didn't, and I put my face back together before they came in to check on her.
Well this is getting long...perhaps I will write again tomorrow. Until then...thank you for reading, it means a lot!
Anyway I need to let some of the pressure in my head out, and I am watching Grey's Anatomy...I know, stupid right? Hospital dramas are just not appropriate when you are sitting in a hospital bed. Well I was using the time to catch up on some shows...because I am too tired to read...and that is the show I was watching before all of this.
I just feel so lame because I know Connie is going to be fine. She is even so much better than Saturday...but she gets better and we think she can come home, then her oxygen saturation dips, and we are back to square one. I have slept a total of 8 hours since Saturday morning, so I think my new found emotions are exhaustion fueled. I have felt nice and numb this whole time, until now that is. Even when it is no where near as bad as some people have it, seeing your baby connected to tubes is heartbreaking. I looked at her a little while ago, and the dam burst. I cried, I just cried and hoped a nurse wouldn't find me like that. They didn't, and I put my face back together before they came in to check on her.
Well this is getting long...perhaps I will write again tomorrow. Until then...thank you for reading, it means a lot!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
What's Your Name Again?
Weekly Highlight... Scariness:
Two professors in two different classes on the same day said to the class, "this is going to be the hardest class you have taken so far at NMSU, so find a good study group and come to my office if you ever need help." Besides having that slight twilight zoney feeling in the pit of my stomach, all I could really do was laugh. Study group...really? HA! I haven't mastered the study part yet...let alone find time for group! Along with that slight problem, I can't ever seem to remember what I need help with when I get to the professor's office. I feel like such an idiot, every time I get the nerve up to walk in there, all I can hear is the Darth Vader theme music...you know the one, goes something like "dum dum dum dumdedum dumdeummmm"...and so forth. After that I am blank man! I make some crap question on the spot, and leave feeling like I should just be the mouse in someones pocket lol! On a lighter note...my husband, Joe, rocks! He finished our little girls closet unit thing and we are one step closer to living like real people!
Deep Thoughts:
I find myself with more questions than answers tonight, as this second full week of school comes to a close. All my life all I really needed was to want something, and then go after it. I couldn't fail right? Everything is so different now...I want to do this (school, parenting, marriage, faith, and friends) right, but it's like the horse running after the carrot on the string...I never quite get there.
We use the word priority like it's a sure thing, as if we all know what they are and what order they should be in. Seriously? I tried following the "most important first" philosophy, but as it turns out, there is no clear most important. They all seem to have to do with each other. Naturally as a parent I say meeting the needs of my girls is #1...but that in tales being diligent to pray for them, being successful in school so we can provide for them...etc. There is no list of priorities...there is only a puzzle...perhaps some kind of rubrics cube.
Highlight of the day:
Watching my baby push her huge highchair all over the house by herself...super hilarious.
Two professors in two different classes on the same day said to the class, "this is going to be the hardest class you have taken so far at NMSU, so find a good study group and come to my office if you ever need help." Besides having that slight twilight zoney feeling in the pit of my stomach, all I could really do was laugh. Study group...really? HA! I haven't mastered the study part yet...let alone find time for group! Along with that slight problem, I can't ever seem to remember what I need help with when I get to the professor's office. I feel like such an idiot, every time I get the nerve up to walk in there, all I can hear is the Darth Vader theme music...you know the one, goes something like "dum dum dum dumdedum dumdeummmm"...and so forth. After that I am blank man! I make some crap question on the spot, and leave feeling like I should just be the mouse in someones pocket lol! On a lighter note...my husband, Joe, rocks! He finished our little girls closet unit thing and we are one step closer to living like real people!
Deep Thoughts:
I find myself with more questions than answers tonight, as this second full week of school comes to a close. All my life all I really needed was to want something, and then go after it. I couldn't fail right? Everything is so different now...I want to do this (school, parenting, marriage, faith, and friends) right, but it's like the horse running after the carrot on the string...I never quite get there.
We use the word priority like it's a sure thing, as if we all know what they are and what order they should be in. Seriously? I tried following the "most important first" philosophy, but as it turns out, there is no clear most important. They all seem to have to do with each other. Naturally as a parent I say meeting the needs of my girls is #1...but that in tales being diligent to pray for them, being successful in school so we can provide for them...etc. There is no list of priorities...there is only a puzzle...perhaps some kind of rubrics cube.
Highlight of the day:
Watching my baby push her huge highchair all over the house by herself...super hilarious.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
First Week of School
This blog is dedicated any mom or dad who feels like they can't go to school and get an education. It is hard for sure but not impossible, I am going to prove it!
Is it possible to be tired of homework before it even has bees assigned? Yes...pretty sure! You see, my homework is 24/7 and has been for nearly 6 years now. May 15, 2005 I became a mother. It wasn't until 2007 that I finally ended up in a college classroom. I was 23 (then mom of 2), in a room full of 18 year olds, feeling like I had "old fart" stamped on my forehead. The really stupid part is that I wasn't the oldest student in the room, not by a long shot. No one even seemed to notice I was any different than any other nervous freshman waiting to jot down every word the professor said. No matter the forgiving reality, I felt dumb, old, and icky.
It has been almost 4 years since that day, and not much has changed ;-) I have met many more parent/students though...and that is always fun. The problem there is that since we all are so busy juggling family and school, there is no time for classmate friends ha ha! If I see a friend outside of class at least once in a semester I consider it victory! So why do I do it? Same reason as anyone else I think...I don't want to give my 3 precious girls a crap start in life. I don't mind having little by way of possessions, but my children deserve better than that right? They need things like food, shoes, and at least an occasional bath! It's up to me (and my husband Joe...who is also in school right now) to take care of such needs.
Every day is eventful and entertaining...each week I will try to blog the highlights. When it all comes down to it, life is better when it's full :)
Is it possible to be tired of homework before it even has bees assigned? Yes...pretty sure! You see, my homework is 24/7 and has been for nearly 6 years now. May 15, 2005 I became a mother. It wasn't until 2007 that I finally ended up in a college classroom. I was 23 (then mom of 2), in a room full of 18 year olds, feeling like I had "old fart" stamped on my forehead. The really stupid part is that I wasn't the oldest student in the room, not by a long shot. No one even seemed to notice I was any different than any other nervous freshman waiting to jot down every word the professor said. No matter the forgiving reality, I felt dumb, old, and icky.
It has been almost 4 years since that day, and not much has changed ;-) I have met many more parent/students though...and that is always fun. The problem there is that since we all are so busy juggling family and school, there is no time for classmate friends ha ha! If I see a friend outside of class at least once in a semester I consider it victory! So why do I do it? Same reason as anyone else I think...I don't want to give my 3 precious girls a crap start in life. I don't mind having little by way of possessions, but my children deserve better than that right? They need things like food, shoes, and at least an occasional bath! It's up to me (and my husband Joe...who is also in school right now) to take care of such needs.
Every day is eventful and entertaining...each week I will try to blog the highlights. When it all comes down to it, life is better when it's full :)
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